Professor Erza's Mandatory Sex-Ed Class
by The Evil Stick
Summary: Blue Pegasus is suffering from another deadly outbreak of a medicine-resistant super STD. Fed up with their philanderous ways, Erza takes it upon herself to educate the guild about the importance of safe sex. Rated M for Violence and Adult Topics.
1. Parfume of Authoritah

Your favorite raunchy comedy writer is here, The Evil Stick! This short story is a spin off of Wendy's First S-Class Mission, but it is written so you don't have to read the original story first. This side story is dedicated for those who followed/favorited the original story so it's sort of like The Evil Stick's virtual bow to those who gave their support.

Love the crazy, diverse characters from Fairy Tail! **Hiro Mashima** owns Fairy Tail and deserves the credit for the awesome array of characters that he created!

Huge thanks to Swirls of Awesome for being beta!

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**Parfume of Authoritah**

Members of Blue Pegasus hesitantly trickled into their grungy and dirty main hall where everyone was gathering for the mandatory meeting. Every single member was sick with the latest STD that had ravaged their guild. This time, the disease was fatal and no amount of medicine or herbs would cure or relieve the deadly symptoms. Luckily, their lives were saved by their ally, Wendy Marvell. The young sky dragon healer came to their rescue and proved to be an unwavering friend and their only means of survival.

Two days ago, the Trimens had been cursed with the STD and it spread like a fatal wild fire through the guild's entire rank within 24 hours. Needless to say, Blue Pegasus had a lot to be embarrassed about. By the time they had found out that the disease was sexually transmitted, it had already re-infected the guild members for the second time. Understandably, the ever-so-strict Titania of Fairy Tail reprimanded them about their lifestyle and demanded that they learn about practicing safe sex.

So that's why they are being forced to attend Erza's safe sex course. The one and only Laxus Dreyer stood in the middle of the room glaring at everyone with angry eyes and his muscular arms crossed over his large chest, silently daring someone to try to make up an excuse to ditch the mandatory sex-ed course. Members of Blue Pegasus were relieved to see that the scariest person from Fairy Tail, Erza Scarlet, wasn't yet in the room.

Most members were entering the room quietly and obediently until the loudest guild members marched their way into the main hall and let their presence be dramatically announced.

"All hail, parfume! All hail, parfume! All hail, parfume!" The origins of the disease, the sickly-looking Trimens pranced into the room following their beloved leader, Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki.

Ichiya floated into the main hall by the means of his look-alike exceed, Nichiya. "Legendary… parfume!"

"All hail, legendary parfume!" Eve, Ren, and Hibiki struck a pose behind Ichiya.

*ZAP* A lightning bolt came up from the ground to electrocute all of the Trimen.

"Men…" Ichiya and his followers twitched on the ground in pain.

Laxus loomed over them with an annoyed expression, "Shut up. Take your seats. I want this leper circus to be over with already."

The lightning mage walked away with his fur coat flowing gracefully behind him. The leader of his personal bodyguard team, Freed Justine, followed him raving, "Only Laxus could gain control of the entire room with just one strategic move."

Hibiki, Eve, and Ren watched with sad faces as Natsu Dragneel started dragging out the last of the bar stools to incinerate. "Hey! Where are we supposed to sit?"

Natsu shrugged, "Erza told me to destroy everything that smells like blood, urine, vomit or any other type of bodily fluids. I don't know what that means so I'm going to burn whatever I want!" He flashed his fangs in pure joy and continued to drag various items outside to incinerate.

Lucy Heartfilia approached the bruised and diseased Trimens that were still sitting on the floor, "Aries is making cushions with her wool, would you guys like a cushion to sit on?"

Hibiki quickly stood and put his arm around Aries's waist, "Hey, you're Karen's former spirit! Do you remember me? Would you like to come to my room when this meeting is over with?"

Ren went up behind Aries and started rubbing her shoulders, "How do you keep your wool so soft and fluffy?"

Eve knelt in front of Aries, taking her hand in his, "You can call me 'little brother' if you want."

Aries blushed, "I'm sorry. I'm not that kind of spirit."

"LUCY KICK! STAY AWAY FROM MY SPIRITS!"

"I'm sorry!" Aries apologized to the three men who were sprawled out on the floor again.

Lucy sighed, "Don't apologize, Aries. Let's just keep making seat cushions for the meeting."

Levy and Carla came into the main hall carrying a sore-ridden Jenny Realight to a cushion and placed her on it.

Jenny snarled, "Don't mess up my hair."

"Hmph!" Carla turned her nose up at Jenny, "If you had the strength this morning to wash and curl you hair then you should have been able to walk here yourself."

Jenny pulled out a mirror and examined her hair, "Oh, you're a cat. What do you know?"

Levi rolled her eyes at the Blue Pegasus cover model, "Your hair is flawless, but it doesn't hide the sores on your face."

Jenny glowered at the small script mage, "Speaking of oozing sores, where is Mira?" She looked around for her pin-up rival.

Levy narrowed her eyes at Jenny with suspicion as she thought to herself, 'Jenny was in her room alone this morning, how would she know that Mira was infected with the disease?'

Gajeel and Pantherlily helped Bickslow over to a cushion that Aries just made and dropped him on it like a sack of potatoes.

Bickslow leaned over to greet Jenny, "Hi sexy! You wanna hang out when this meeting is over?" His tongue fell out of his mouth in a wide grin.

"Hang out. Hang out. Hang out. Hang out. Hang out." His babies bobbed in the air behind him.

Jenny giggled seductively while scratching at her open sores, "Only if your girlfriend doesn't mind."

"I hate this fucking job." Gajeel growled out before him and Pantherlily went to collect more disease-ridden mages.

Carla crossed her small arms over her chest, "I didn't know you had a girlfriend, Bickslow."

Freed and Laxus came back to see what all the commotion was about. Freed the Dark stood tall with confidence, "Bickslow doesn't have a girlfriend. If he did, then surely the Thunder God Tribe and Laxus would know about it."

Bickslow face palmed at Freed's bad timing. His babies tried to hide behind him. "Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh no. Oh no. Busted."

"WHAT?!" Jenny screeched, "YOU SAID MIRA WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND! YOU MEAN I'VE BEEN SLEEPING WITH YOUR CREEPY ASS FOR NOTHING?!"

Bickslow just gave her another tongueful grin and nodded his head proudly.

~silence~ Everyone stared incredulously at Jenny.

Laxus broke the silence. "You've only been sleeping with him because you thought he was dating Mira?"

Lucy put her hands on her hips, "That's not very nice. We all came to Blue Pegasus to save your guild. The only person being paid to work is Wendy and the rest of us came here as support, Mira included. So you should be a little more respectful to her."

"Rahahaha!" Bickslow taunted along with his babies while pointing at Mira's rival. "That's what you get for being such a vengeful bitch!"

*BOOM* A lightning bolt came down from the ceiling and struck the laughing seith mage and his five possessed dolls.

"Tch." Laxus' expression remained bored, "I'm so tired of his crap."

Before anyone could blink, Jenny was hanging on Laxus' arm and rubbing her sore-ridden breasts on his forearm. "I just love a man who defends a woman's honor," she purred.

Freed's eyes bugged out of his head, "KEEP YOUR DISEASED HANDS OFF OF LAXUS!"

*ZAP* Lightning traveled down Laxus' arm and ruthlessly zapped Fiore's most top model.

Laxus narrowed his eyes at the woman. "You smell like 20 men plus Bickslow so don't touch me again. And if you do anything to upset Mira or anyone else in Fairy Tail then I will fry you so hard that you will have a bad hair day for the rest of your life."

Laxus turned and walked away. Freed gave Jenny a smug look before he followed.

Jenny pulled out a mirror and saw that her hair was standing on end and frizzed beyond reason. Tears welled up in her beautiful eyes, "Look at what that bitch Mira did to me! I know that she was planning this all along!"

She dropped the mirror and started bawling her eyes out, making her mascara run down her bruised and sore-ridden cheeks. She got up and ran crying to Ichiya and his Trimen.

Lucy pulled out Cancer's key, ready to help Jenny, but Levi stopped her and shook her head.

Carla put her nose in the air again, "That woman is the most scandalous I've ever met."

Bickslow gathered his shocked babies in his arms, "Speaking of scandalous, Carla, I heard that you slept with Nichiya last night."

Levy and Lucy giggled behind their hands.

*THUMP* Happy fainted mid-air and flopped onto the ground.

Carla stomped her tiny foot on the floor, "I would never! It was that hooligan councilmember, Doranbolt! He teleported me into Ichiya's room in the middle of the night while I was sleeping!"

Bickslow rubbed all of the ash off of his dolls with his sleeves, "Sure he did… you don't have to be shy about it."

Lucy blinked in surprise, "Why would Doranbolt do that?"

"Well, obviously he did it to be alone with Wendy so he could put the moves on her. I wouldn't be surprised if it's all because she gallivants around in that Jiggle Butt Gang uniform. An inappropriate outfit like that just invites all the perverts." Carla put her hands on her hips and eyed them as if they were naïve children.

Levy put her hand on the exceed's shoulder, "Carla, let's just go get more Blue Pegasus members and bring them to the meeting."

Carla sighed. She knew she wasn't going to get anywhere with her explanation so she followed Levy. On her way back to the dormitory, she whispered to the iron dragon, "Gajeel, I overheard Natsu saying that he could beat you without using his magic."

"WHAT?! I'LL KICK SALAMANDER'S ASS!" Gajeel used his iron fist to throw a long distance punch across the room at Natsu, who happened to bend over to pick up Happy at the exact moment the iron bar sailed over his head.

*SLAM* The iron fist struck Doranbolt's face and slammed him into the brick wall.

Carla smiled darkly to herself, not caring that Gajeel was currently being electrocuted by Laxus for striking the councilmember who oversaw the success of their mission.

"What's so funny, Carla?" Levy asked.

"Oh, nothing." Carla floated out of the main hall, proud of herself. Her powers of premonition have developed nicely since returning from Edolas and she was going to continue to exercise them on Doranbolt.

Pantherlily growled at Gajeel as he propped up Gray by himself. "What the hell are you doing, Gajeel? Don't get sidetracked!"

Gajeel grumbled something about Salamander and went back to helping Lily take the bandaged up ice mage to his seat.

Lucy gasped when she saw how bruised and injured her teammate was. She fluffed some of Aries' wool so her bruised up teammate could recline, "Gray, how did you catch the STD? I thought I saw you working all day yesterday. It's not like you to run off during a mission."

Gray groaned as Lily and Gajeel lowered him into his reclined seat. "I swear, Lucy, I didn't sleep with anyone. Do you really think I'm that dumb?"

The celestial mage smiled, "No, I didn't think that sounded like you at all. The same thing happened to Mira, she got sick even though she didn't have sex with anyone."

Gray gave a pained smile to his loyal friend, "Thanks, I'm glad you believe me."

Lucy frowned, "But you should at least get healed by Wendy before the disease makes your symptoms progress. We're gonna need you on temperature control again."

Gray reflected her frown, "Wendy already healed me."

"Gihi." Gajeel flashed his teeth for an amused grin. "Titania kicked his ass after Wendy healed him. She wouldn't listen to him when he said that he didn't have any relations with anyone."

Bickslow interjected, "Yup! She did the same to me too, but at least I deserved it."

Carla and Levi brought in another female member of Blue Pegasus and sat her down on a cushion. Bickslow immediately leaned over towards the girl and introduced himself while his babies acted as his personal wingman group.

"BICKSLOW!" Everyone stiffened as Erza came stomping into the room. "No more flirting with the ladies! Class will start soon!"

Mira followed Erza into the room while looking over the clipboard that she held. "Professor Erza, it appears that everyone is now present in the main hall." She smiled sweetly at the scarlet haired mage.

"Excellent work, Assistant Mira." She gave an affirming nod to her former rival and scanned the room for her personal rune mage. "Freed, seal off the main hall."

As soon as the command left Erza's mouth, ancient purple texts snaked their way around the main hall. The members of Blue Pegasus grew nervous at the purple walls that spout up from the boundaries and completely enclosed around them.

Master Bob placed a delicate hand on his chest, "Oh my, Fairy Tail is serious about this…"

Freed stood in the front of the room and unsheathed his sword. His expression was dark and serious as he slowly raised his sword to be parallel with the floor. One eye was dark purple as he spoke, "I decree as law that no single soul may leave this room until they fully comprehend the message that Professor Erza will convey for the duration of this course. Those who break the rules shall be subjected to a fate worse than death."

Eve read the runes carefully, "Excuse me, these rules don't allow for anyone to use the bathroom."

Hibiki tapped on his magic keyboard, "My archive can rewrite the runes to allow bathroom breaks."

Laxus cleared his throat before speaking, "I would also like to inform everyone present that if someone somehow manages to rewrite Freed's runes, my Thunder Palace will activate to keep people from escaping the course."

Members of Fairy Tail cringed at Laxus' announcement while members of Blue Pegasus curiously looked to each other, wondering what he meant by Thunder Palace and its significance. A few of the Trimens silently wondered if there were women in this said palace.

Mira giggled, "You really are serious about this, aren't you Laxus?"

"Dead serious," Laxus stated with a bored expression but his firm tone left no room for debate.

The atmosphere of the room grew heavy as everyone present realized that their lives would be in danger if they disobeyed the rules during the sex-ed class. Hibiki quietly powered down his archive magic and Eve backed away from the runes.

"LAXUS! FIGHT ME!" One pink haired dragon slayer has zero social intelligence.

Jenny's shapely hips swayed as she approached Freed, "You can let me out of here if you want. Better yet, we can leave together." The blond bombshell winked at him and parted the slit of her dress to expose more of her toned thigh.

Freed completely lost his composure and turned red, "I - I won't betray Laxus-"

*BOOM* *BOOM* Two lightning bolts came from Laxus' body and instantly paralyzed both Natsu and Jenny.

"Enough of this bullshit. Erza, the sooner we start, the sooner we can leave." Laxus took a seat next to Bickslow and Freed followed suit.

The scarlet haired mage requipped into her most professional business attire, "Very well, the mandatory sex-ed course begins now!"

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**Review and vote in The Evil Poll!** Results are in for the first poll and readers of _Wendy's First S-Class Mission _decided that The Evil Stick will "just maim beyond all recognition." (*sniff* You guys are so awesome!) Go to The Evil Stick's profile page and vote in the new poll to decide which Blue Pegasus member will be maimed beyond all recognition.

First poll results:

Do you think that The Evil Stick should kill off a Blue Pegasus character in Wendy's First S-Class Mission?

25% Just maim beyond all recognition.

18% Maybe, it depends on the character…

18% WTF is wrong with The Evil Stick? Is 'It' mentally challenged or something? (Also, yes please kill someone)

18% Overly dramatic "NOOOOOOO!"

12% Definitely!

6% Please don't kill anyone.


	2. The Meaning of Monogamous

The sister fic to _Professor Erza's Mandatory Sex-Ed Class_ is up! It's a one-shot short that follows the other Fairy Tail members who have been left behind in Magnolia. Don't forget to read _"Unfortunate Consequences of Warren's Second Origin."_ The Evil Stick would like to give props to Swirls of Awesome for being the beta of this story. Thank you!

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**The Meaning of Monogamous**

Erza glared at her students with anger and disappointment. Half the members of Blue Pegasus didn't notice how angry she was since they were eyeing the long, toned legs that her miniskirt didn't cover and the abundant cleavage that peeked out of the top of her blouse.

*sniff, sniff* Ichiya struck a pose with is look-alike exceed. "Men… I detect the parfume of my honey."

*SLAM* Erza requipped a ruler in her hand and broke it across Ichiya's face.

Erza stomped her high heel on Ichiya's head and ordered with her signature authoritarian voice, "Every single one of you will give me your undivided attention! Blue Pegasus drained Wendy of all her magic yesterday and then you all got yourselves re-infected with the STD again! This morning, two of our own comrades woke up with the sickness despite not having sexual contact with anyone! Don't any of you feel any shame in your actions?!"

~SILENCE~ There was a long awkward pause.

*sniff, sniff* "Men… even Titania's feet smell of divine wild flowers freshly bloomed in the cool spring rain showers of a sunny afternoo-"

*CRUNCH* Erza dug her heels deeper into Ichiya's skull and rolled her foot.

The magic aura surrounding the requip mage darkened even further. "Why do I get the feeling that everyone here is either trying to look up my skirt or is looking down Lucy's shirt?"

Lucy blushed, "Leave me out of this, please." Her self-consciousness set in as she glanced around only to find Bickslow, Gajeel, Patherlily and Laxus avert their eyes. Freed's face burned bright red with embarrassment.

"Hmph." Jenny fluffed her own breasts, "Her breasts are fake anyway."

Hibiki smiled arrogantly, "No, they are 100% real. She flashed me during the Nirvana mission and I can guarantee they are not fake."

"GEMINI FLASHED YOU!" Lucy screeched.

The scarlet haired professor roughly kicked Ichiya to the side, "We need to get off the topic of Lucy's boobs! Everyone needs to see what can happen if this disease progresses! Mira, begin lesson one!"

Mira hummed happily as she wrote in the air with her magic light pen:

**Lesson 1: Scared Straight**

Erza nodded to her assistant and yelled to her celestial partner, "Lucy! Summon Loke!"

Lucy batted away the five possessed seith dolls that were trying to bump into her chest, "Uh, okay…"

"Open, gate of the Lion!"

*poof* There was a puff of golden sparkles that slowly faded. Loke was sprawled out on the floor in shades of black and red He was wearing only a pair of silk boxers so the extent of his injuries were seen by everyone present. Gangrene had set in both feet, blood was seeping out of his eyes and ears and his swollen black tongue was hanging out of his mouth as he wheezed shallow breaths. Bone was exposed on the back of his hands, his elbow, and chin from the loss of tissue. Everyone watched in horror as he started hacking and coughed up a bloody glob of puss.

Erza sat on her personal cushion of wool and seductively crossed her legs, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Exhibit A."

"Hey! Don't use my spirits for demonstration!"

Professor Erza continued, "As you could see, any human with injuries this serious could not survive! If you contract the disease after we leave for Magnolia, there is a chance that you won't survive! If Wendy continues to deplete her magic to heal you, her body will become exhausted and she won't be able to heal everyone before you perish!"

Just then, Loke started convulsing violently. His head repeatedly banged onto the brick floor while his back and limbs curled unnaturally in different directions. Everyone cringed at the gurgling sounds he emitted as he began choking on his own blood and puss.

"Aurgh!" Lucy screamed in a panic, "Wendy! Help him!"

Aries used her magic to create a soft wool bed underneath her longtime friend to protect his head from the hard, cold floor. Wendy rushed over to heal Loke. Everyone gave a sigh of relief as his convulsions slowed and stopped completely. She continued to heal him until the gangrene on his extremities cleared up and he opened his eyes.

Wendy stood up and wiped the sweat from her tiny brows, "That took a lot of magic energy."

Doranbolt placed a hand on her shoulder, "You did great, Wendy. Let's get you back to your seat so you can rest a bit."

Carla narrowed her eyes at the councilmember as he placed his hand on the small of the sky dragon's back and guided her back to her cushion. The intelligent exceed leaned over towards Jenny and whispered in the bombshell's ear, "Mira is secretly dating the councilmember, Doranbolt."

Jenny studied Doranbolt and smirked devilishly as she pictured the look on Mira's face when she finds out that her boyfriend had fallen in love with the current reigning Miss Fiore.

Carla leaned back into her cushion satisfied that Jenny will stop at nothing to make Doranbolt's job miserable for as long as it takes.

"Loke, what happened?" Lucy questioned her faithful spirit.

"Gihi! This idiot hit on Erza before Wendy could heal him this morning. She kicked his ass back to the spirit world." Gajeel snickered at the memory.

Loke struggled to get the words out of his sore-ridden mouth, "Time passes differently in the spirit realm. My symptoms progressed at a more rapid rate."

"Enough chatter!" Erza once again gained the attention of her attention-deficit class. "What did you learn from this lesson?!"

Ren, the tsundere, raised his hand, "We learned that we should never hit on Ichiya's girlfriend!"

Erza's eyebrow twitched, "WRONG! LAXUS, INITIATE PUNISHMENT!"

*BOOM* A lightning bolt came down from the ceiling and struck Ren.

"Oh, my…" Master Bob delicately placed his palm on his chubby cheek. "Young Dreyer is so strong and handsome."

Erza stood from her cushion and bellowed, "What you all should have learned from lesson one was that the STD you are all infected with will result in DEATH! Am I clear?!"

There was a collective "Yes, Ma'am" from her pupils and Erza visibly relaxed a bit.

"Finally, we made some progress. Assistant Mira, proceed to lesson 2."

"Okey-Dokey!" Mira happily exclaimed and wrote in the air with her light pen:

**Lesson 2: Exercise Self-Restraint**

Erza adjusted her professor glasses, "Sex is fine, in normal circumstances. But it's not something that you should be doing with everyone around you! Find a partner and negotiate a healthy monogamous relationship. You may begin now!"

Everyone looked around at each other, confused.

"Uh, excuse me, um… Professor." Lucy's voice wavered, "You're asking us to practice propositioning for sex as if it was a business negotiation?"

Erza glared at her teammate for questioning her, "I SAID BEGIN!"

Everyone scrambled to appear as if they were practicing or they took the opportunity to actually negotiate sexual arrangements.

Loke turned to Lucy, "Lucy, would you like to negotiate a healthy monogamous relationship?"

Lucy gulped, "Uh, maybe if you clean the floor so nobody slips on your blood or puss."

Loke got hearts in his eyes, "REALLY?"

Lucy rolled her eyes, "No, not really. This is just an exercise remember?"

Ichiya and his exceed partner approached Erza, "My Honey, would you like to negotiate a healthy monogamous sex triangle with me and Nichiya?"

Erza's eyebrow twitched, "Do you know what monogamous means?" Erza started preaching to Ichiya and Nichiya.

Gajeel growled at the short script mage next to him, "Don't even think about propositioning to me!"

Levy growled back, "Nobody is going to proposition you!"

Freed turned to Laxus and cleared his throat, "As leader of the Thunder Legion, it is my duty to practice negotiating sex with you, Laxus."

Laxus turned away with a bored look on his face, "This is stupid…" Tears welled up in Freed's eyes.

Bickslow chatted with his babies and the dolls agreed to his pretend proposition.

Pantherlily tugged on Aries' wool skirt to gain her attention, "Miss, would you like to establish a healthy monogamous relationship with me?"

The lamb spirit blushed, "I'm sorry, but I would love to!"

Eve approached Mira, "Would you be my big sister? You can call me little brother."

Mira giggled, "Oh, I already have a little brother."

Happy held out a fish to Carla, "Do you want to share my dinner?"

Doranbolt took a blushing Wendy's hand, "Wendy, would you like to negotiate a healthy relationship?"

Carla growled, "You're too close to-!" The white exceed was interrupted by someone pulling on her tail.

Ren held a firm grasp of Carla's tail, "Pretty Kitty, it's not like I want to negotiate a healthy monogamous relationship or anything, but if you want to hang out later, I will oblige."

Happy started crying, "Why, Carla…?"

"MOOOO!" Taurus appeared out of nowhere, "Miss Lucy, yooou wanna smoooooch?"

"WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?!" Lucy tried to get away from the charging bull.

Hibiki politely kissed Levy's hand, "Excuse me, Levy. Would you like to have dinner late-"

*SLAM* An iron fist slammed Hibiki face first into the hard floor. "HANDS OFF, TECH GEEK!"

Natsu turned to his rival, "Gray, I would like to negate hefty hex with you."

The ice mage face-palmed, "Natsu, you're such an idiot."

"Say that to my face, Ice Queen!"

"I just did, Flame-turd!"

As Natsu and Gray start to fight, Erza halted her reprimand of Ichiya and Nichya to take in her surroundings. Loke was in a 3-way make out session with two unknown women. Taurus was crushing unknown Blue Pegasus members while chasing Lucy. Freed and Happy were crying in each other's arms. Jenny was hanging on Doranbolt who was frantically trying to push her away. Laxus sat in the middle of the commotion by himself emitting currents of lightning around his body so no one could get near him. Bickslow was laughing hysterically at something that one of his dolls said. Gajeel was beating Eve and Hibiki. Ren was trying to pry Carla's nails from his face. Levy was trying to calm a horrified Wendy. Aries held a purring Pantherlily in her lap. Her assistant, Mira, was surrounded by a group of Blue Pegasus members politely turning down their sexual offers.

Erza's fists clenched in anger by her side, "EVERYONE TO YOUR SEATS!"

Nearly everyone present at the meeting took their seats quietly except for Natsu and Gray, who were promptly electrocuted while they were fighting. Laxus walked over to the two rival mages and lifted them each by the necks.

Master Bob elegantly floated up to Laxus while he still gripped Natsu and Gray by the necks. "Excuse me boys, would the three of you like to come to my room? I have whipped cream and chocolate syrup on ice."

Mira giggled, "Master Bob, the negotiation exercise is over."

"Huh?" The master of Blue Pegasus was confused, "What exercise?"

Laxus quickly threw Natsu and Gray on their cushions and went to sit on his own cushion to escape the full-grown fairy.

"Thank, you for that, Laxus." Professor Erza put her hands on her hips, "The negotiation exercise was only one minute long. Did anyone have any success?"

Five people raised their hands out of the group of fifty attendees.

Erza sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, "Loke, do you know what monogamous means?"

Loke and the two girls he was with sheepishly lowered their hands.

Erza shook her head in disappointment, "Monogamous means one. A monogamous relationship means an exclusive relationship with one person! The key to self-restraint is a healthy monogamous relationship!"

There was a collective "Ohhhh…" from the members of Blue Pegasus as if the concept was foreign to them.

Professor Erza once again asked for a show of hands of the people who were successful in their bid to negotiate a healthy relationship. Only Pantherlily and Aries raised their hands this time.

Erza smiled warmly, "That is exactly what I expect from two mature individuals. Healthy relationships begin with a pleasant encounter and a mutually beneficial arrangement. Class, please give this pair a round of applause."

Everyone started clapping for Lily and Aries as they blushed furiously. Gajeel yelled, "That's my Lily!"

"Pantherlily, could you please come to the front of the class. We will now test the self-restraint of the students." Erza gestured for him to stand next to her.

Lily floated to the front of the class and stood next to Erza.

"REQUIP!" Without warning Erza requipped into her sexy Seduction Armor. Pantherlily's eyes bugged out of his head along with everyone else in the room. Master Bob was the only person to cover his eyes.

The scantily clad professor seductively squatted down in front of the older exceed and smirked to her class. Pantherlily awkwardly backed away from the uncomfortable position.

"MOOOOO!" Taurus started charging the class teacher, "Erza has nice boooobs!"

In one swift movement, Erza gave a powerful roundhouse kick to celestial bull, sending him into the brick wall. The golden bull faded away back to the celestial realm.

"Hey!" Lucy yelled, "Don't use my spirits as examples!"

Erza stood up straight and stuck her sword upright into the ground, "That's why self-restraint is important!" She reqipped back into her sexy teacher uniform. "Thank you, Pantherlily, for demonstrating your self-restraint to the rest of the class. You may sit down now."

Lily awkwardly went back to his seat, eager to escape the chaotic situation.

Lucy grumbled, "She just wanted an excuse to use her seduction armor…"

"Don't let her hear you say that," Laxus warned the grumpy celestial wizard.

The requip mage sat down on her cushion again and seductively crossed her legs, "Now, if everyone would stop staring at Lucy's boobs then we could begin the next lesson!"

"STOP DRAWING ATTENTION TO MY BOOBS!"

Mira wrote in the air:

**Lesson 3: Talk About It**

Erza stood from her seat, "Don't ever be afraid to talk about sex. If you are going to have sex with someone, you should discuss history first! Can we get a volunteer?"

A dozen hands shot up in the air. Erza eyed them cautiously; trying to pick out the person who she thought would have the most normal sex history. She quickly decided that the youngest of the Trimens was the best bet, "Eve! Thank you for volunteering. Please come to the front of the class and give a speech about your sexual history."

Eve confidently strode up to the front of the class and adjusted his tie before he began his speech. He gave a sweet, innocent smile and cleared his throat, "Well, I lost my virginity when I was 9 years old to my big sister underneath our mom's trailer. I soon learned that my natural boyish charm was a desirable trait among the rune knights so I began charging 1000 jewels per 'Holy' night to pay my way through the Rune Knight Academy. At age 14, I graduated from the Academy then I met Master Bob and Master Ichiya. They took me in and taught me some new techniques so now I charge 5000 jewel per 'Holy' night!"

~silence~ The members of Fairy Tail stared at the baby-faced snow mage in shock.

*CLAP! CLAP! CLAP!* The members of Blue Pegasus gave a standing ovation for Eve who giggled and bowed politely.

"Men… I smell the sweet parfume of success."

Master Bob swayed from side to side hugging himself, "We're so proud of you, Eve!"

Gajeel crossed his arms over his chest, "Am I the only person who heard him admit that he lost his virginity to his sister and that he was a 12 year old gigolo to the Rune Knights? Why is everyone clapping like that's a normal sex history?"

Laxus grumbled, "Don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answers."

"T- th- thank you, Eve. Please… sit down now," Erza stuttered in shock.

Eve was on his way back to his cushion when he made eye contact with the blonde celestial mage. He quickly knelt in front of her and took her hand, "I can be your little brother if you want."

"CREEPY!" Lucy's eyed bugged out of her head.

*ZAP* The youngest of the Trimens was electrocuted by Laxus.

Lucy gave a sigh of relief as Eve crawled his way back to his seat, "Thank you, Laxus."

Laxus crossed his arms over his chest, "Tch. I didn't do that for you. That brat's speech annoyed me."

Mira tapped her pen against her clipboard, "Please, boys, pay attention! You can't learn the lesson if your eyes are fixed down Lucy's blouse!"

"WHY MY BOOBS AGAIN?!"

Erza finally regained her composure, "Lucy! Stop talking about your boobs!"

"WHAT!? BUT I-!"

Erza rudely cut Lucy off, "Gray, get up here and discuss your sexual history with the class!"

Gray grumbled, "Why me? Why can't Lucy go?"

"HEY!"

The scarlet-haired Professor glared at the ice mage, "I said it's your turn."

Gray approached the front of the class with his hands in his pockets. "Well, I guess if I were to have a talk about my sexual history then I would mention that I was once infected with the deadly Blue Pegasus STD, but I would also mention that it was a great mystery on how I was infected since I didn't have any relations with anyone…"

*cough* "Bullshit!" *cough* Happy snickered behind his hands mischievously.

Gray grit his teeth, "I'm serious, Happy! I would never be stupid enough to mess with someone from Blue Pegasus especially when they were experiencing a deadly viral outbreak!"

"Gihi! It doesn't look good when you take off your clothes during that speech."

The ice mage looked down at his naked body and began scrambling for his clothing. "Shit!"

Master Bob blushed as Gray turned his back and bent over to grab his discarded underwear. "That Ice Maker has the cutest butthole I've ever seen. Even cuter than Eve's… and I've seen a lot of buttholes…"

Freed shivered at the master's revelation.

Levy spoke up, "Gray, don't you think that your stripping habit could have something to do with you contracting the virus? If your genitals came into contact with bodily fluids then you would have been exposed."

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!" Gray yelled as he was pulling up his pants.

"That's right!" Lucy snapped her fingers as memories came to her, "You sat on that moist barstool without pants. It could have been then."

"Men… maybe it was when you sat on Nichiya's dirty cot while naked."

"Maybe you contracted the virus when you were naked and got into a fight with Natsu on top of the hazardous waste material."

"Or when Master Bob fondled your balls while you were checking his temperature?"

"I know! I know!" Natsu jumped up and down with his hand raised in the air. "It was when I kicked your ass blindfolded and with both hands tied behind my back!"

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED, FLAME BRAIN!" Gray crouched into a fighting stance, "Besides, I don't think you understand how an STD works!"

Natsu mimicked his rival's fighting stance, "Yeah I do! It comes from a book!"

"That's E.N.D., Dumbass!" The ice mage was already naked again and ready to brawl.

As Natsu and Gray pounced for each other Erza quickly got in between them.

*SLAM!* She knocked them both out cold by smashing their heads together.

Erza stood over her two unconscious teammates and scowled with annoyance before barking orders to various people in the room. "Master Bob, stop fondling members of Fairy Tail! Bickslow, stop looking down Lucy's shirt! Lucy, stop drawing attention to your boobs! Freed, create a rune so Natsu and Gray can't fight! Gajeel, make Gray a chastity belt! Mira, move on to lesson 4!"

Mira smiled and pulled out her magic light pen to write in the air:

**Lesson 4: Demonstrations**

There were a few hoots and whistles that were quickly quieted after Erza gave a deadly glare. "It seems as though we need some demonstrations to get safe-sex practices into your thick skulls. I expect you all to be on your best behavior for these demonstrations or suffer the consequences!"

* * *

Next chapter is the demonstrations. **Feel free to make any requests for who you want to see participate in the sex demonstrations in your review**. Next chapter should be the last chapter so now is the chance to make special requests. If no one reviews then The Evil Stick with use Ichiya to demonstrate condom use in the next chapter. Mwahahaha...

If you haven't already been to The Evil Stick's profile page to **vote in the evil poll** then put it on your to-do list.

Don't forget to read the sister fic to this one, "_Unfortunate Consequences of Warren's Second Origin_," also rated M.


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